If you haven’t been here before: a note

Last year I decided to start changing my life to get healthy, to set a good example and to get ready for my wedding. Everything was moving along nicely….

On April 10, 2011 my ex, who was convicted in 2006 of sexually assaulting me during our marriage and who hasn’t been part of the lives of his children in 6 years, decided that he wanted them to ‘benefit’ from a relationship with him and his new fiancee and their little blended family of children.

This blog isn’t just about fighting my way into a gorgeous white dress. This blog isn’t just about fighting my way to a healthier body. This blog is now also about fighting for my safety, for the safety and best interests of my children and about fiancee B, who holds my hand the whole way. This blog is about how I get my life back after domestic abuse.

Some posts with be funny, some boring and some will deal with the very real aftermath of leaving abuse.

Thank you for reading our story.

more than you know

I’m almost halfway through this pregnancy, everything is going well save for a few hiccups along the way.

I never realized what a significant impact the abuse and degradation of my first marriage and first two live birth pregnancies would have on me this time around.

Sitting in prenatal class the other night, we talked about relaxation techniques and the instructor was demonstrating a hands on touch technique. The mother isn’t aware of when the touch is going to happen, it’s literally to bring back the focus to the part of the body that the labouring mom is tensing.

The prospect of someone’s hand on my skin while I am in labour, unexpectedly, sent me in to a complete state of… just… tears and crying. I was shocked at the tremendous weight of the trigger on my emotions and heart. I had to excuse myself.

B understand this stuff, but even he was surprised at how I fell apart. It doesn’t happen often. The instructor was great, walked me through a few breathing exercises to bring me back to center, gave me a few tips to help me during the next class. She asked if I’m still seeing a therapist – I’m not – and asked if I thought it might help dealing with the weight of this.

I’m going to call my old therapist, see if she can get me in. I guess we repress more than we know.

In other news, court is over, no access for the ex. There is relief and grief. I truly with the ex could see the impact he* had on my life and the girls lives. His* father allegedly molested him during the first years of his life and many others in his life at the time did the same. He wouldn’t want these adults – whom he has never confronted – within 10 feel of the children because of the abuse he allegedly suffered, why can’t he understand the risk he still poses to me and to them? He is so involved in his own nonsense and his narcissism that he just can’t see the destructive behaviours in himself. I feel sad for him. I feel sad for his wife. Her face in court. I remember those feelings. Wanting to believe that he was a changed person, a better person, a good person. He’s not. He has so much more work that he doesn’t want to do to turn it all around. There’s no one on this earth that hates him as much as he hates himself. It’s sad. His life could be so much more.

*Until he is legally assigned a new gender, for clarity sake, I choose to use the legal gender pronoun assigned at birth. In person, I do not make this same choice. It doesn’t speak to my opinion about transgendered individuals in any way, shape or form

No appetite.

The last two weeks of this pregnancy has been tricky. Nothing is appealing to me, food wise. I found some awesome local gourmet food truck food yesterday and it was the first time I ate until I was full. All I want to eat right now is salad! Normally, this is not a problem, but without protein my morning sickness is high.

The pregnancy is going well so far, heartbeat strong and consistent, HCG increased right there on the average incline. Not much heartburn, morning sickness only comes if I’m not eating enough. The only complaint I really have is the peeing, the constant peeing. Peeing all night long. If that’s my biggest complaint after all of the nonsense we’ve dealt with over the last two years then I’m not going to voice it often.

Keeping fit in the last few weeks has also been tricky. I have a friable cervix, which caused daily bleeding from week 5 through 8, but that’s been gone for a little while now and I’m cleared back to the gym. Cardio only, no weights over 10lbs and swimming is highly recommended.

Training for the marathon of labour now, have to keep myself active or I won’t make it through the delivery.

Home stretch

Our hearing was May 1. The judge reserved her judgement, which basically means it will take a week or so until the judgement is in. It’s 5-10 page report and my lawyer assures me this is normal. He warned me ahead of time this could be the case. It’s a complicated case and no judge wants to make an error, leaving the door open for appeal.

I feel pretty confident about what happened. Part of me feels sad that there isn’t really any change in ex or ex’s behaviour and that one day the girls will understand the ramifications of everything that went on. Part of me is relieved that the court dates are over. All of me is praying that the kids will remain safe in our care.

And also, this… finally:

9 weeks

School

two years ago I received an early acceptance letter to my top choice university.

I was getting ready to go back to school

and then my ex filed for custody

we’re rounding the bend in that, end is in sight

i’ve grabbed a few extra credits to pull my average from high school courses up from 89 to the next level

entrance bursaries can go a long way, reapplying later this year to my top 3 again

doing my work in front of the kids has had a magical effect on the amount of groaning I hear when it’s time for them to do their work

it’s nice… but the work is hard at this level, aiming to raise my average means having to ace every assignment

pretty sure this fertility cycle is a bust

back to the drawing board on that front

stupid lines

on 9 DPO I had a line, a faint line on a pregnancy test

days 10, 11… no such luck.

progesterone sucks

i am tired

some interesting court developments leading us in to uncharted territory.

school is an uphill battle

 

as least the children are wonderful and husband is patient.

This bed is much too soft, this floor is much too hard.

Husband B and I purchased a new, luxurious, king sized bed this summer. It’s made of clouds and tears of angel joy. I’ve never experienced such a lovely night of sleep until purchasing this particular bed.

Except for this one problem.

This bed is much too soft.

It is not exactly conducive to comfortable or productive sexual positions.

We end up spending half of the time laughing and switching places because this dang mattress conforms to our bodies and makes vigorous movement damn near impossible.

Ugh. First world, baby making problems.

$4000 mattress and we’re doing it on the floor.

Another cycle

Starting clomid again, 75 mg.

 

Made the decision to skip an iui this month, just try the old fashioned way along. No sense in spending the extra money if I end up finding out I have LPD.

Very frustrating, trying mostly not to cry 90% of my day.

Court date in January looms, expecting no changes once more.

Like beating my head against a door frame some days.

Ugh.

I am aching inside.

I feel so sad with this month, this cycle, and our inability to have a baby the old fashioned way.

First cycle of IUI was a disaster. First, I didn’t ovulate until day 27. WTF, body, day 27… really? I have to drive to and from our clinic which is an hour away.

We started cycle monitoring on day 10, went every other day for 10 days with no sign of a follicle 10mm or larger. The doctor in clinic was about to start progesterone to bring on next cycle, told me to come back in 2 days to see my own RE.

Day 22 I go in to see my RE, he has a new resident, asked if I wouldn’t mind doing another monitoring ultrasound to show her and low and behold… a freaking 10 mm follicle.

Day 25, drove down – 16mm

Day 26 – 18 mm
Day 27 – 20 mm

Day 28 – IUI day.

IUI day was a nightmare. Husband has MS, so getting a sample is tricky on a good day. It took us 5 hours, between pressure and frustration and crappy night of sleep in an unfamiliar hotel… Ugh. Then, sample success, husband loses his balance and half of sample ends up in places other than cup.

Still good! Except I thread the lid on the cup wrong and we lose even more of it. Finally got in to clinic and sample is just barely above the cut off to even perform the IUI.

Day 37 – spotting.

We have been down this road now for over a year and while this was our first IUI, I am sad and angry and so incredibly frustrated. It does not help that we’ve had friends getting pregnant on their first try and BiL and his wife deciding last November that “a summer baby would be nice” and then just, you know, getting on the first try also. I don’t begrudge anyone an easy healthy pregnancy, it’s just really hard to sit back and be excited about something we want so desperately, but cannot seem to do.

All I want for Christmas

Is for my ex to grow two things.

A heart.

A brain.

I cannot believe ex won’t advocate for the girls to see their brother. It’s disgusting and selfish. I would move heaven and earth to make this happen for them safely.

Perhaps while worrying about growing new breasts, the grinch disregarded the fact that her heart is still two sizes too small.

Fertility front

So, we had an IUI cycle. Rather, what should have been an IUI cycle.

I had a lovely follicle all ready to go. I was at my last cycle tracking appointment and a nurse realized that B’s syphilis test hadn’t come back from the labs. Ugh.

Lab error, mislabeling. I don’t know. Either way, we missed September’s cycle because of it. B was retested and now we’re good to go.

We missed October because we were at Disney.

Now, November. I can’t even believe this… there’s no follicle. Apparently that’s normal, once or twice a year.

So we wait and we watch and I drive to and from the fertility clinic everyday for blood work and ultrasounds until we either see an egg on Sunday, or we decide to wait for next cycle.

Very discouraging.