Monthly Archives: July 2011

lying

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lying is lying is lying

 

you can’t paint it up with a pretty paint brush

signing affidavits with a lot of false information is lying

stealing someone’s idea, photo, words… and presenting them as your own is lying

hurting your friend and saying it was an accident is lying

period

 

I cannot remember who said it first, but in our home we have an often repeated phrase that helps the children understand why it’s important to make the right choices in life

your actions are always your choice, but you cannot choose the consequence for making decisions or saying things that are made with poor judgment

just something to think about

 

ugh

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Dear sweet merciful heavens…

 

It’s 7 am, I’m about to leave for the gym for some strength training and cardio.

It’s already 38C/100.4F here.

Today is supposed to set records, but I’m more worried about a massive power outage like we had in the summer of 2003. B can’t take heat, MS and heat just don’t mix at all.

So people, those of you who don’t actually need AC pumping and who can go out to a splash park or a pool… please remember to conserve energy for those of us that can’t.

The girls and I are hitting the pool solo all day today, but if we lose power I’ll be driving home to take B to my folks place to enjoy the cool there too.

frack

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Without intentionally doing so

without even considering the risks of doing so…

 

I made a tremendous mistake today.

Well, truthfully I made many mistakes today.

First, I skipped my post work out protein boost (hand full of almonds, 1 boiled egg yolk)

Second, I had a diet pepsi that has been sitting for days in our refrigerator calling my name.

Now, for my biggest, excuse laden mistake.

It’s hot here, 44C/111F.

I decided to order pizza for the munchkins and swore I would have only one slice along with salad.

First. There is NOTHING in that pizza, save for the mushrooms, that I am allowed to have.

Second. One slice. Who the frig did I think I was kidding.

I ate 6 slices of a medium cheese pizza with light sauce, mushrooms and *cringe* bacon.

I feel gross.

I might be sweating grease directly from my pores. I fell swollen and crampy and bloated and yeah. Gross.

No solid food shall pass through these lips tomorrow. Green smoothies all day, no excuses.

I feel really ill.

Bleh.

 

what more is there to say

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kids are keeping me busy

summer is scorching

wedding plans roll along

shower this sunday with inlaw side

rsvps are almost completely in

daycare schedule is slammed

counting down days

pounds still slowly slacking off

every day at gym

tired every morning, need pick me up

hated treadmill today but made it through 50 minutes any way

will weight train tomorrow at gym

going swimming tonight

appt with dr w postponed because of car tire stupidity

that’s all

 

the unfortunate reality of surviving

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it’s been just 6 years, 2 months and roughly 4 days since the last time the ex raped me

i’ve come pretty far given the trauma i dealt with over the course of 5 years with him

the unfortunate reality of rape is that the feelings of it never really have gone away

my coping skills are better now, i rarely flashback, my nightmares aren’t nightly

my fears are still dictating some of my actions, i have an incredibly hard time being alone at any given time… this sucks because I really enjoy my personal space

i still double check the back seat of my car

i still look over my shoulder

i still have a hard time being hugged for more than a brief time, even by fiancee B

and the worst, hardest to control one… every time i hear or read of a sexual assault, i get knots in my stomach. i feel like i’m going to throw up. I can’t eat and i normally have nightmares that night.

it’s the reality of surviving, the survivor of a new reality for me in a world where everything looks the same but it’s like my instincts force me to live just a beat or two behind the people around me

like a watching a movie and for a few moments the sounds and the visual don’t quite meet together the way they should

i get frustrated with women who don’t come forward with allegations of rape… but i also get annoyed with myself for judging them. it took me years to acknowledge my assaults to anyone else, let alone a police officer

i’m outspoken about it (obviously) and i know that can be jarring for some people… but i feel like everything i say “it was hard to come forward, but it was so much harder with this secret eating away at me,” every time i am open about it, i feel like i’m getting back a few of the moments that were stolen from me in my own home

either way, while i am surviving… i’m also still suffering and sometimes people need to understand that, but i don’t expect them to fix me

i need people to stop trying to fix me

i’m not broken

i’m just different

How Do You Do It?

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I’m getting this… a lot.

I do it by setting my alarm for 5:30 and actually getting out of bed. The reality is my work day starts at 7:45 and I need to be ready to just go. Running after 7 kids all day is a lot of work. I’m okay with with. I have to be to the gym and back by 7:30.

I do it by not sitting down when the last kid leaves. I settle my own two into a craft or colouring or sometimes a movie (we don’t have cable) and immediately going to the gym for a second cardio session. B takes care of starting dinner, I take care of prep and planning.

I do it by taking the daycare kids and my own to the pool for the day. In this heat it’s not a big stretch to get to the pool, no one argues. Instead of sitting and watching them swim, I do this crazy thing where I put on a suit and jump in the pool, piggy back of the little kids (usually Miss D, 52 lbs) and do laps in the water. It’s a really good work out.

I do it by not buying junk, or buying junk food that only B likes (uber spicy) or that I’m allergic to (I have a big time food sensitivity to an artificial sweetener used primarily in artificial butterscotch) or that I just don’t enjoy.

I do it by writing out my meals in advance (though I am admittedly slack on this).

I do it by almost never shopping in the middle aisles of the grocery store.

I do it by having a photo at my worst at an arms length of my gym bag and the fridge.

I do it by knowing as hard as it is now, it will be harder if I start a week from now, a month from now, a year from now.

I get frustrated, I argue with myself for a good 20 minutes in the morning before I just get up and go to the gym.

I am stiff…. a lot. Not really sore, but my muscles are feeling the hard work. I’m pretty sure if my body was an independent country, my ass would over through the brain and I’d be munching a snickers.

How do I do it? I just do it. No excuses, no head games, no more weight.

How do you do it?