more than you know


I’m almost halfway through this pregnancy, everything is going well save for a few hiccups along the way.

I never realized what a significant impact the abuse and degradation of my first marriage and first two live birth pregnancies would have on me this time around.

Sitting in prenatal class the other night, we talked about relaxation techniques and the instructor was demonstrating a hands on touch technique. The mother isn’t aware of when the touch is going to happen, it’s literally to bring back the focus to the part of the body that the labouring mom is tensing.

The prospect of someone’s hand on my skin while I am in labour, unexpectedly, sent me in to a complete state of… just… tears and crying. I was shocked at the tremendous weight of the trigger on my emotions and heart. I had to excuse myself.

B understand this stuff, but even he was surprised at how I fell apart. It doesn’t happen often. The instructor was great, walked me through a few breathing exercises to bring me back to center, gave me a few tips to help me during the next class. She asked if I’m still seeing a therapist – I’m not – and asked if I thought it might help dealing with the weight of this.

I’m going to call my old therapist, see if she can get me in. I guess we repress more than we know.

In other news, court is over, no access for the ex. There is relief and grief. I truly with the ex could see the impact he* had on my life and the girls lives. His* father allegedly molested him during the first years of his life and many others in his life at the time did the same. He wouldn’t want these adults – whom he has never confronted – within 10 feel of the children because of the abuse he allegedly suffered, why can’t he understand the risk he still poses to me and to them? He is so involved in his own nonsense and his narcissism that he just can’t see the destructive behaviours in himself. I feel sad for him. I feel sad for his wife. Her face in court. I remember those feelings. Wanting to believe that he was a changed person, a better person, a good person. He’s not. He has so much more work that he doesn’t want to do to turn it all around. There’s no one on this earth that hates him as much as he hates himself. It’s sad. His life could be so much more.

*Until he is legally assigned a new gender, for clarity sake, I choose to use the legal gender pronoun assigned at birth. In person, I do not make this same choice. It doesn’t speak to my opinion about transgendered individuals in any way, shape or form


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