Monthly Archives: March 2012

what else is there to say tonight

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trying to sort out my school stuff right now

keeping the kids on track with their work

getting Miss H back on track after 2 weeks of easy load for recovery

Miss D is busy belting out ABBA tunes

the night is quiet

expecting company soon, Ontario Children’s Lawyer finally agreed to taking on our case

who knows what to expect, I’m sure my ex expects the best

I expect to fight harder to make sure my kids are safe

I wish things were different

no one expects the Spanish Inquisition.

This is going to change your life.

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It’s not though. Not really. There is no magic answer, no magic material good, no product or purchase that will change your life.

There are events, birth, death, marriage, illness… these are life changers. They change your life, but you change you.

We all waste so much time on ‘things’. Ignore our duties as people in favour of our comforts as sloth-type lazy buggers.

God forbid we miss 15 minutes of our favourite television programming in order to sit in a hallway to make sure our children are actually going to sleep. Heaven forbid we spend an extra few minutes to check in on an elderly neighbour or a friend in need of a shoulder.

I’m guilty of it, and you probably are too.

Spent a good chunk of time trying to figure out how to best get back on track, get organized and focused again. I actually found myself seeking out products (timers, planners, etc) to help me find the time and resources to get my shit together. What hooey. I almost bought a lot of crap I do not need. Crap that will only contribute to the messy book shelf and full purse.

At what point do we stop looking for the miracle that will change our lives for the better? When do we hold ourselves accountable for our own feelings of chaotic messiness as adults.

When do we become grown up? When do we stop making excuses for ourselves.

I’m not a bad person, but I’m not even close (not even a little) to perfect. There are nights I forget to brush my teeth. Nights I drink a coffee back without considering the restless consequence. Mornings I skip breakfast or the kids are left to make bagels so I can have a shower before the day starts. There are nights I ask the older kiddo to read younger kiddo a story because I’m exhausted from the day of cleaning, cooking, working and educating. We order in food more often (again after a long break of doing so) than I’d care to admit on a public blog. There are times when I make selfish decisions and excuses for my own lazy behaviour. There are times when change seems helpful and worth it… but still looks like a lot of work I don’t want to do.

My ‘to do’ list is lengthy now, after weeks in and out of the hospital with Miss H. B is helpful, but the MS does limit the type of help he is around the domestic bliss side of things. Tonight, I’m tired. I don’t want to look at my ‘to do’ and I don’t want to think about how slack I’ve become lately.

I’ve gained a remarkable and embarrassing 17 lbs since the wedding. I’m tired a lot. More often than before. I’m winded walking up the stairs.

Not cool, self, not cool.

And so, the ‘to do’ list gets a little longer as I add extra trips to the gym somewhere between science class and riding lessons. I look forward to the spring weather soon, evening walks back into rotation, get the kids out for a bike.

I feel disjointed. It’s been a long day. Family court, another adjournment, the wheels of justice keep spinning.

Hoping my brain settles nicely soon, I could do with a decent night of sleep.