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I am aching inside.

I feel so sad with this month, this cycle, and our inability to have a baby the old fashioned way.

First cycle of IUI was a disaster. First, I didn’t ovulate until day 27. WTF, body, day 27… really? I have to drive to and from our clinic which is an hour away.

We started cycle monitoring on day 10, went every other day for 10 days with no sign of a follicle 10mm or larger. The doctor in clinic was about to start progesterone to bring on next cycle, told me to come back in 2 days to see my own RE.

Day 22 I go in to see my RE, he has a new resident, asked if I wouldn’t mind doing another monitoring ultrasound to show her and low and behold… a freaking 10 mm follicle.

Day 25, drove down – 16mm

Day 26 – 18 mm
Day 27 – 20 mm

Day 28 – IUI day.

IUI day was a nightmare. Husband has MS, so getting a sample is tricky on a good day. It took us 5 hours, between pressure and frustration and crappy night of sleep in an unfamiliar hotel… Ugh. Then, sample success, husband loses his balance and half of sample ends up in places other than cup.

Still good! Except I thread the lid on the cup wrong and we lose even more of it. Finally got in to clinic and sample is just barely above the cut off to even perform the IUI.

Day 37 – spotting.

We have been down this road now for over a year and while this was our first IUI, I am sad and angry and so incredibly frustrated. It does not help that we’ve had friends getting pregnant on their first try and BiL and his wife deciding last November that “a summer baby would be nice” and then just, you know, getting on the first try also. I don’t begrudge anyone an easy healthy pregnancy, it’s just really hard to sit back and be excited about something we want so desperately, but cannot seem to do.

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All I want for Christmas

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Is for my ex to grow two things.

A heart.

A brain.

I cannot believe ex won’t advocate for the girls to see their brother. It’s disgusting and selfish. I would move heaven and earth to make this happen for them safely.

Perhaps while worrying about growing new breasts, the grinch disregarded the fact that her heart is still two sizes too small.

Fertility front

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So, we had an IUI cycle. Rather, what should have been an IUI cycle.

I had a lovely follicle all ready to go. I was at my last cycle tracking appointment and a nurse realized that B’s syphilis test hadn’t come back from the labs. Ugh.

Lab error, mislabeling. I don’t know. Either way, we missed September’s cycle because of it. B was retested and now we’re good to go.

We missed October because we were at Disney.

Now, November. I can’t even believe this… there’s no follicle. Apparently that’s normal, once or twice a year.

So we wait and we watch and I drive to and from the fertility clinic everyday for blood work and ultrasounds until we either see an egg on Sunday, or we decide to wait for next cycle.

Very discouraging.

November 27 – food in review

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breakfast

  • coffee w/ cream and sugar
  • 1/2 cup steel cut oats
  • 1/4 cup berries

snack

  • 20 pretzels – gluten free

lunch

  • kraft dinner – ugh, stupid choice but not much in the way of produce here and some stuff came up when I should have been at grocery

dinner

  • grilled chicken breast w/ raspberry marinade (made home)
  • 1/4 cup steamed rice w/ cinnamon
  • 1 cup steamed veggies w/ 1/2 tsp butter

water…. not nearly enough

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Right now I am not pregnant

I am struggling with the public aspect of blogging

I will be posting, but likely not much in the way of personal details, just until court stuff wraps up

we are likely headed to trial, ex doesn’t seem to understand uphill battle involved… pushes forward

i’m tired

i’m nearly back to square one

slowly readding

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I’m going through the old posts, republishing from private status. I have to reread a lot of what I’ve written.

 

I am not stating anything in them that isn’t true, there’s a just a strange feeling when you know the person who almost destroyed you can read your private thoughts. The person who spreads lies about you destroying *their* life…

Can’t explain it right now