the unfortunate reality of surviving

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it’s been just 6 years, 2 months and roughly 4 days since the last time the ex raped me

i’ve come pretty far given the trauma i dealt with over the course of 5 years with him

the unfortunate reality of rape is that the feelings of it never really have gone away

my coping skills are better now, i rarely flashback, my nightmares aren’t nightly

my fears are still dictating some of my actions, i have an incredibly hard time being alone at any given time… this sucks because I really enjoy my personal space

i still double check the back seat of my car

i still look over my shoulder

i still have a hard time being hugged for more than a brief time, even by fiancee B

and the worst, hardest to control one… every time i hear or read of a sexual assault, i get knots in my stomach. i feel like i’m going to throw up. I can’t eat and i normally have nightmares that night.

it’s the reality of surviving, the survivor of a new reality for me in a world where everything looks the same but it’s like my instincts force me to live just a beat or two behind the people around me

like a watching a movie and for a few moments the sounds and the visual don’t quite meet together the way they should

i get frustrated with women who don’t come forward with allegations of rape… but i also get annoyed with myself for judging them. it took me years to acknowledge my assaults to anyone else, let alone a police officer

i’m outspoken about it (obviously) and i know that can be jarring for some people… but i feel like everything i say “it was hard to come forward, but it was so much harder with this secret eating away at me,” every time i am open about it, i feel like i’m getting back a few of the moments that were stolen from me in my own home

either way, while i am surviving… i’m also still suffering and sometimes people need to understand that, but i don’t expect them to fix me

i need people to stop trying to fix me

i’m not broken

i’m just different

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