Yes you. The person I married 10 years ago.
This is not about you being in transition. While some of my personal upset may come from the fact that you always swung from personality to personality and trying to reconcile that with the fact that you are becoming a woman. It’s not about being a sum of your physical parts. Don’t kid yourself into believing that I give a heck about the fact that you’re doing this. I don’t. When you were keeping to yourself, leaving us be, you’ll notice I did the same.
I knew before you told me. Knew people you knew and continue to know. I desperately wanted to say to them that becoming a woman doesn’t change who you are or what you’ve done. Just like when I left you and I told our mutual friends that leaving was just a separation, a positive step for change, an opportunity to grow and repair the damage to our marriage… I protected you. You told them all I left for another man. This was a lie. I did not leave for another man, I left because of the man I married. No one else. You didn’t feel this need to protect me in our separation that I felt. You called me a whore, you told people I was endangering the kids by spending hours online, you told people that I lied about that incidents of rape. You lied because that’s what you do. I could have emailed your new friends, I could have posted things on facebook for the world to see, so they would see what you did and who you really are. I didn’t because I hoped with all of my heart that if I left you alone, you would leave us alone.
Did you know that oldest H, in the months after I left only asked for you twice? Do you know that the only thing she could remember was seeing you shove me on the deck at her 3rd birthday party? The yelling? Did you know that D has never once asked about you? You claim you were ‘involved’ but do you not remember the fights about you constantly taking off outside to work on your karate or to plan out how you were going to make your own dojo? I was working a full time midnight job, taking care of the kids all day, all night. I never slept. You never let me sleep. You might remember being involved… but I remember differently. The person they miss and have asked for has never been you, it has always been G.
Your lawyer keeps saying you’ve changed. Boy, does that sound familiar. You don’t change, ex, the circumstances of your life change. You were a great boyfriend… until you cheated, lied, sneaked out to screw random strangers in the middle of the night. I was stupid enough to forgive you and desperate enough to be loved that I needed you even then. You were a good husband… until I was pregnant with H and had to hide in our bedroom closet because you threw a glass vase at my head. You were a good father… until you chose to rape your newborn daughter’s mother while that baby slept less than 3 feet from the bed.
Becoming a woman, finding relief from whatever gender stress you feel, it doesn’t change who you are as a person. Inside, I know there is a part of you who will always be sadistic, cruel, uncaring and dangerous. You might be able to hide that person well, you might not even acknowledge that this person exists, but I’ve looked that person in the eyes. I’ve seen the pure anger and hatred that comes from that person in you.
You may need them, but I don’t believe that’s reciprocated.