I ran 1km tonight! I know, I know, it doesn`t seem like a lot but it`s a big leap from where I was 4 weeks ago when boot camp began. I pushed through every muscle cramp, though every wave of defeat and I kicked ass tonight.
I feel like that hour, right there for 60 minutes I don`t think about anything except my body, my muscles. Every heart beat, every drop of sweat brings me closer to my goals. Every time I push through one more push up, sit up, another squat, I push myself farther from the woman who was tossed around like a punching bag, treated like dirt. I feel like I have more fight in me because of what happened to me, not to belittle the effort of anyone else, but I fight harder so that if something ever happened again I would be capable of fighting back.
Every muscle in my body screams for me to stop, but every fibre of my being fights for me to push harder and longer. I remind myself over and over again that I can do this. Every moment, every breath and every choice gets me closer to feeling like a whole person again, physically and mentally.
I called my therapist today, I need to go back in. I am having panic attacks at 3 a.m. Thankfully I know that these are just moments of anxiety and to breathe through it, but I also know enough to go back to therapy. There`s a lot of stress going on right now, work stress… wedding stress… some other things too personal to discuss here. Hoping I can find a solution that doesn`t come from the bottom of a prescription pill bottle, just a lot of talking and inner work.